Title: Damn the Torn
Speedos, Full Speed Ahead
Get Thee to a Punnery: 101 Shaggy Dogs
ISBN: 978-1-62420-317-6
Author: Elliott Capon
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Website: elliottcapon.weebly.com
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Genre: suspense
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A “shaggy dog” is a story of less than 1000
words that ends on a groan-inducing pun. Here we have 101 of the groaniest.
BLURB
What happens when a guy accused of stealing a type of onion defends
himself by saying, “I was only taking a leek”? Or at the insect Olympics, where
certain bugs hold the stopwatches, because “flies time”? That’s when you’re in
the world of the “shaggy dog,” a type of story that ends on a funny, if
horrible, pun that leaves the reader moaning and groaning...but laughing and
eager to be abused by the next distortion of the English language. We have 101
such crimes against the mother tongue in this amusing collection.
EXCERPT
Sy Donovan was the biggest man at American International Relief Services
("AIRS" to English speakers; just "RELIEF" to the rest of
the world). It wasn't that Sy was a top executive: he was the biggest man in
the organization because he was six-five and weighed two hundred and ninety
pounds.
RELIEF was a group much like CARE or the Red Cross, which responded to
disasters all over the world: floods, famines, fires, plagues, the aftermath of
war. RELIEF workers would, pushing aside bureaucrats and the obstructive
complaints of tinhorn dictators, literally invade an area in need and set to
work. RELIEF had doctors, nurses, engineers, epidemiologists, nutritionists,
psychologists, and caring professionals in dozens of other professions, all of
whom would, at a moment's notice, drop their regular practices and lives in
order to fly halfway or all the way around the world to come to the aid of
people who needed help.
Sy Donovan was RELIEF's most active field administrator. He had a
working knowledge of medicine, logistics, and most of the other skills
possessed by the RELIEF volunteers, but his job was to see that things got done. He was usually on the first plane
or helicopter to reach the disaster area, he decided where the medical tents
would go up, where the portable latrines would be placed (don't laugh), who
would look after the children. With his imposing size and full head of bushy
gray hair and Linolnesque beard to match—and blessed with the personality of
the offspring of Alexander the Great and a lioness—Sy Donovan backed down from no one. People who "didn't want
to" or "couldn't do" something to help, when confronted by the
formidable giant, found themselves suddenly very willing and able. Sy Donovan
had saved more lives than penicillin.
After a drought of several years, the tiny African nation of Tomalaland
was hit by weeks of ferocious rains. The ground had dried to the consistency of
concrete and therefore could not absorb the water; flooding was of almost
Biblical proportions. Entire towns had been buried under a combination of
water, mud, and uprooted trees; two million people found themselves homeless,
foodless, clothesless, medicineless, hopeless. The day after the rains stopped,
RELIEF got to work. A huge plane was quickly loaded with all the supplies to
sustain at least a few thousand people for a few days. Other planes, trucks,
and ships were to following within the next few days, but one plane had to get there first.
Sy Donovan was, of course, aboard this plane.
In what had once been the capital of Guaziville, and which was now a sea
of muck and debris, five thousand weary people made their way to the remains of
the airport to await this lifebringing plane. The airport's single working
radio was in contact with the plane, and the soldiers nursing the radio had
found enough dry wire and undamaged equipment left over to hook the radio up to
loudspeakers so that everyone present could share the joyful anticipation of
the arrival of their saviors.
Unfortunately, the storms were not quite finished; when the plane was
still an hour out of Guaziville, the pilot radioed—and five thousand people
heard—that the plane had been struck by lightning. Two of their four engines
were dead; a third was laboring. He was losing altitude, struggling to get to
the airport.
Five thousand people prayed: to the gods of Islam and Christianity and
to smaller, lesser-known, older tribal deities. The pilot reported that he was
skimming the treetops, hoping to get as close to the airport as possible before
the plane with its food, medicine, clean water and warm blankets finally hit
the ground. The five thousand people at the airport were praying aloud now,
crying out to the various parts of Heaven for assistance, for a miracle.
Then, in the distance—a speck! It was a plane—the RELIEF plane! Smoke
poured from three of the four propellers. The sound that reached ten thousand
ears was of a sputtering and choking. The plane dipped and bounced and rose and
fell as if it were riding over invisible speed bumps. The people at the airport
prayed like they had never prayed before.
Incredibly, the plane kept coming closer. A few people dared hope it
would make it all the way to the runway. Then…closer…closer…closer… Hope was
reborn! A few more feet…a few more seconds…! Come on…come on…yes…yes, yes….??
YES! The plane touched down on the holed, muddy runway just as the fourth
engine exploded with a tired-sounding whuff!
and the propeller stopped turning.
Five thousand people breathed out all at once, each silently thanking
their God or gods. The miracle had happened. The plane had landed safely.
A few seconds later, a door on the side crashed open, and from the plane
itself emerged a big Sy of RELIEF.
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